THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENTS

Attention bride and grooms: Along with all the parties, gifts and heart stopping bills, comes one more obligation on your part and that's the all important wedding announcement. Grooms tend not to like this part because for them it makes everything seem so permanent. Brides need to recognize this and just deal with it. I will share with you two announcements that I have seen recently; one from the NY Times and the other apparently from Heavy Headbanger Metal Magazine, whose motto is: "Oh good, the light's red so you get a chance to hear my music and watch my windows shake."

Maybe you will choose not to utilize either one of these methods but at least you'll have a guide for what not to do. Pay particular attention to the differing styles and, just for fun, guess how long it will be before couple #1 rips each others eyeballs out.

Couple #1:

"The happy couple dined on Quail Eggs and Mediterranean Skewered Lamb while the one-hundred and twenty piece orchestra entertained the champagne sipping crowd all the while wondering how anyone could possibly eat Quail eggs without turning eight shades of green. The bride looked stunning in her Oscar de la Renta gown dripping with three carat diamonds. The groom was attired in Ralph Lauren and brought three separate sets with him to the reception in the unlikely event that any of the help should accidentally brush up against him. Mr. & Mrs Pretentious will jet off to The French Alps after a brief stopover in Pamplona where they plan on purchasing a matador.

Couple #2:

The Moose Lodge was all decked out with streamers and Meister Brau cans and the newly hitched couple invited everybody to toss a few bucks in the bucket so they could gas up and head to Wildwood. The bride, married only four times previously, exclaimed to the invitees, "I finally found true love and this one might just work." In attendance was the bride's mother along with her six sisters and five half brothers. The bride was thrilled to get a surprise visit from her natural father, who was able to procure a pass from the court in order to attend. He did a nice job of concealing his ankle monitor by wearing a pair of long pants. The guests dined on some fresh vending machine snacks as well as some really small but very delicious hot dogs. The couple met at a stock car race and after a few beers, knew they had something special. The groom is currently employed and the bride hopes to be someday."

Now, what can we tell about couple #1? Well, first of all, I hate them. I think there can be little doubt that their first son will be named either Chauncey or maybe Radcliffe and will be born with a nice velvet ascot around his neck. We also know that the bride has never even seen dishwater much less toiled in it. As far as the groom is concerned, although he would like you to believe that he has more money that the gross national product of some small countries, he is a total wimp because no self respecting male goes to the French Alps voluntarily, especially during football season.

What else can we surmise from this wedding invitation? I think it's safe to say that the bride probably attended Wellesley where she, no doubt, graduated magna cum laude. Currently, she is singlehandedly keeping Wall Street afloat with her razor sharp business acumen. The groom is more than likely a graduate of Columbia Law and is seriously miffed that the new Yankee Stadium isn't being named after him.

While couple #2 may be perceived as being slightly more down to earth, one might also correctly assume that they have a bloodhound asleep on the porch and a 1972 Dodge Barracuda up on blocks in the front yard.

There is one other point that definitely should not be overlooked when planning your announcement and that concerns the photo that you will distribute to the various print media. Trust me, people will notice when it's taken directly in front of a water treatment plant. This was a regrettable error made by couple #2.

So congratulations brides and grooms. Keep in mind that whatever style you choose, your wedding announcement speaks volumes about you as a couple. It's something that you will break out every twenty-five years and exclaim, "OH MY GOD, LOOK AT THAT HAIR!"