FORBIDDEN FRUIT

There's never a dull moment with a ninety year old parent. I speak of my ninety-year old Father-in-law, Salvatore, and when you factor in his mid-stage Alzheimer's disease as well as his equally aged girlfriend, Annie, things can get real dicey. What also needs to be mentioned here is that Annie still has a passion for, um...'fruit.'

We all like fruit, don't we? Well, apparently Annie still likes bananas. However, lately the only fruit she's been interested in belongs to my dear, sweet, and very non-lucid father-in-law. By non-lucid I mean doing things like putting the TV in the shower, using the toothbrush on his toenails and shampooing his hair with mustard.

Anyway, back to the fruit thing. Annie, who has obviously been without fruit for a long time has taken a liking to Sal's collection. Sal, God love him, responds to most things these days with sayings such as "I like spumoni,' and "Is this the toilet?" With that in mind, it should come as no surprise that he was totally oblivious to the fact that she was even handling his fruit and this was of no concern to her. We're all convinced that if Annie was back in grade school, she would spend a great deal of time in the principal's office.

Just how did we find out about Annie's desire to caress fruit? The two of them were alone, sitting on the sofa in the TV room at Merrill Gardens in Naples Florida. Annie, capitalizing on the fact that there was no one around, decided to sample Sal's banana. Kids, for future reference, it isn't polite to avail yourself of another person's fruit without permission. Although there was no indication that she ever attempted to actually consume my father-in-law's banana, she was clearly giving it the old 'Is it ripe yet?" test. Meanwhile, Sal just sat there, probably having no recollection of what else one can do with a banana and wondering what time the ice cream cart was coming by.

As Nurse Hammersley emerged from room 313, after having given Mr. Ashburn his weekly ear canal cleaning, she spotted the two lovebirds on the couch. Looking back, I'm sure she wished she had stayed and given him a nostril check and maybe a nice long pedicure as well. It would have been much easier to take than what she would shortly bear witness to. As she walked over to put the TV on for them, the trauma began as she noticed Annie's through examination well under way. At this point she quickly pondered some career change options and vowed right then and there to never attend another farmer's market for as long as she lives. Her hands were trembling and her voice cracking as she attempted to detail the scene. "Annie was going over that...thing with a fine tooth comb, examining it for any bruises and other possible flaws. I told Sal to PLEASE put his banana away and scolded Annie severely and instructed her to go wash her hands immediately as handling someone else's fruit falls well below the sanitary minimum established at Merrill Gardens."

Of course, as a mid-stage Alzheimer's patient, Sal can not be blamed in any way. For all he knew he was at the Yankee game and someone spilled beer on his lap. As for Annie, she will now wear mittens whenever she roams the halls and must watch the film entitled "My Own Private Kiwi," every night for a month. In addition, she has been forbidden from any further contact with any of Sal's fruits, be they berries, grapes or the all important banana. As far as Nurse Hammersley is concerned, she has decided to stay on at Merrill Gardens and will be reimbursed for what will surely be years of extensive therapy. How does Sal feel about all of this? I think he said it best with, "Is the game on yet?"