NOT QUITE THE PERFECT LAWN

In keeping with the outdoors theme, I'm having a hard time growing grass in my yard. I've cornered the market on crabgrass and I keep it nicely manicured because it's green and from a distance (a mile and a half) it looks like Kentucky Bluegrass.

My old Program Director, a wonderfully deluded man by the name of Joe Limardi told me about something he saw 'AS ADVERTISED ON TV.' We all know what a fantastic track record they have but Joe is, in a word, naive. He believes that if two men, combined age three hundred and fifty, climb through the ropes at the Orange County Fair calling themselves professional wrestlers, then, by golly, it must be the real deal. By the same token, he thinks that if products are advertised on TV, they must do what the claim, right? We love Joe but we think his dosage needs to be increased.

Once again I ventured into the laboratory to conduct some experiments purely in the interest of science, curious if any of these As Seen On TV products could grow grass. I should let you know before you start thinking I'm a quack that I once got a "B" in science class. During my laborious research, I found two products worth noting. One is called Bald Be Gone (Motto: If you don't have a full head of hair in two weeks, what's wrong with you?) and the other is called Pancake Puffs which are supposed to make mouth watering mini pancakes. In reality, their best usage is for brick mortar. Astute members of my team reported that Pancake Puffs, when used in quantity, can also be used effectively for drawing base lines on little league fields.


In the Patch Perfect TV commercial, they show grass growing right through actual cinder blocks! Wow, that would be great if only my lawn was made of concrete but unfortunately, I have something really annoying called soil. They claim highway workers use Patch Perfect for those hard to grow areas...like bowling alleys. During the course of my experiments, I discovered that Patch Perfect is great for clearing out clogged toilets, shining up nasty pots and pans and when used as a full container, makes a great paperweight. We also marveled at the fact that if you mix Patch Perfect with a combination of Turtle Wax and a synthetic motor oil (I used 10W30) it will remove unsightly underarm stains and in severe cases, actual underarms. Please don't not try this at home kids. Remember, I once got a really good grade in science class.

With the frustration level now off the charts, I tossed an entire bottle of Bald Be Gone out the window. Imagine my surprise when I got up the next morning and found thousands of little PANCAKES all over the lawn. People traveled from miles around to witness the spectacle and take photos of me in a white lab coat. I cautioned everyone not to eat the pancakes because they might be poisonous. I needed to make absolutely sure that they were safe to consume so I called up Totally Green Bill from across the street. Bill has a huge mural of Al Gore painted next to his solar panels. "How are they, Bill?", I asked. He seemed to like them but then said, "For the love of God, tell me these weren't wrapped in PLASTIC!" OK, everybody, dig in. Bill lived.

After all that, I still can't grow grass but at least now my lawn is edible. I'm sure it's just a matter of time before I hear from Bill Nye,The Science Guy, or maybe even Katie Couric. I have to go now. Joe Limardi just left me a message about something called The Fart Machine he saw As Advertised On TV.